Because very few assets last forever, one of the main principles of accrual accounting requires that an asset's cost be proportionally expensed based on the time period over which the asset was used. Both depreciation and amortization (as well as depletion) are methods that are used to prorate the cost of a specific type of asset to the asset's life. It is important to mention that these methods are calculated by subtracting the asset's salvage value from its original cost.
Amortization usually refers to spreading an intangible asset's cost over that asset's useful life. For example, a patent on a piece of medical equipment usually has a life of 17 years. The cost involved with creating the medical equipment is spread out over the life of the patent, with each portion being recorded as an expense on the company's income statement.
Depreciation, on the other hand, refers to prorating a tangible asset's cost over that asset's life. For example, an office building can be used for a number of years before it becomes run down and is sold. The cost of the building is spread out over the predicted life of the building, with a portion of the cost being expensed each accounting year.
Depletion refers to the allocation of the cost of natural resources over time. For example, an oil well has a finite life before all of the oil is pumped out. Therefore, the oil well's setup costs are spread out over the predicted life of the oil well.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
"Salvage Value"
The estimated value that an asset will realize upon its sale at the end of its useful life. The value is used in accounting to determine depreciation amounts and in the tax system to determine deductions. The value can be a best guess of the end value or can be determined by a regulatory body such as the IRS.
Explaination of Salvage Value
The salvage value is used in conjunction with the purchase price and accounting method to determine the amount by which an asset depreciates each period. For example, with a straight-line basis, an asset that cost $5,000 and has a salvage value of $1,000 and a useful life of five years would be depreciated at $800 ($5,000-$1,000/5 years) each year.
Within the tax system, when a person donates a car he or she receives a tax deduction. The value of this deduction depends on the salvage value of the car. This salvage value is determined to be the current fair market value that could be obtained had the car been sold on that day rather than donated.
Explaination of Salvage Value
The salvage value is used in conjunction with the purchase price and accounting method to determine the amount by which an asset depreciates each period. For example, with a straight-line basis, an asset that cost $5,000 and has a salvage value of $1,000 and a useful life of five years would be depreciated at $800 ($5,000-$1,000/5 years) each year.
Within the tax system, when a person donates a car he or she receives a tax deduction. The value of this deduction depends on the salvage value of the car. This salvage value is determined to be the current fair market value that could be obtained had the car been sold on that day rather than donated.
"Amortization"
What Does Amortization Mean?
1. The paying off of debt in regular installments over a period of time.
2. The deduction of capital expenses over a specific period of time (usually over the asset's life). More specifically, this method measures the consumption of the value of intangible assets, such as a patent or a copyright.
Explaination of Amortization
Suppose XYZ Biotech spent $30 million dollars on a piece of medical equipment and that the patent on the equipment lasts 15 years, this would mean that $2 million would be recorded each year as an amortization expense.
While amortization and depreciation are often used interchangeably, technically this is an incorrect practice because amortization refers to intangible assets and depreciation refers to tangible assets.
1. The paying off of debt in regular installments over a period of time.
2. The deduction of capital expenses over a specific period of time (usually over the asset's life). More specifically, this method measures the consumption of the value of intangible assets, such as a patent or a copyright.
Explaination of Amortization
Suppose XYZ Biotech spent $30 million dollars on a piece of medical equipment and that the patent on the equipment lasts 15 years, this would mean that $2 million would be recorded each year as an amortization expense.
While amortization and depreciation are often used interchangeably, technically this is an incorrect practice because amortization refers to intangible assets and depreciation refers to tangible assets.
"Accrual Accounting"
Definition: An accounting method that measures the performance and position of a company by recognizing economic events regardless of when cash transactions occur. The general idea is that economic events are recognized by matching revenues to expenses (the matching principle) at the time in which the transaction occurs rather than when payment is made (or received). This method allows the current cash inflows/outflows to be combined with future expected cash inflows/outflows to give a more accurate picture of a company's current financial condition.
Accrual accounting is considered to be the standard accounting practice for most companies, with the exception of very small operations. This method provides a more accurate picture of the company's current condition, but its relative complexity makes it more expensive to implement. This is the opposite of cash accounting, which recognizes transactions only when there is an exchange of cash.
Explaination of Accrual Accounting
The need for this method arose out of the increasing complexity of business transactions and a desire for more accurate financial information. Selling on credit and projects that provide revenue streams over a long period of time affect the company's financial condition at the point of the transaction. Therefore, it makes sense that such events should also be reflected on the financial statements during the same reporting period that these transactions occur.
For example, when a company sells a TV to a customer who uses a credit card, cash and accrual methods will view the event differently. The revenue generated by the sale of the TV will only be recognized by the cash method when the money is received by the company. If the TV is purchased on credit, this revenue might not be recognized until next month or next year.
Accrual accounting, however, says that the cash method isn't accurate because it is likely, if not certain, that the company will receive the cash at some point in the future because the sale has been made. Therefore, the accrual accounting method instead recognizes the TV sale at the point at which the customer takes ownership of the TV. Even though cash isn't yet in the bank, the sale is booked to an account known in accounting lingo as "accounts receivable," increasing the seller's revenue.
Accrual accounting is considered to be the standard accounting practice for most companies, with the exception of very small operations. This method provides a more accurate picture of the company's current condition, but its relative complexity makes it more expensive to implement. This is the opposite of cash accounting, which recognizes transactions only when there is an exchange of cash.
Explaination of Accrual Accounting
The need for this method arose out of the increasing complexity of business transactions and a desire for more accurate financial information. Selling on credit and projects that provide revenue streams over a long period of time affect the company's financial condition at the point of the transaction. Therefore, it makes sense that such events should also be reflected on the financial statements during the same reporting period that these transactions occur.
For example, when a company sells a TV to a customer who uses a credit card, cash and accrual methods will view the event differently. The revenue generated by the sale of the TV will only be recognized by the cash method when the money is received by the company. If the TV is purchased on credit, this revenue might not be recognized until next month or next year.
Accrual accounting, however, says that the cash method isn't accurate because it is likely, if not certain, that the company will receive the cash at some point in the future because the sale has been made. Therefore, the accrual accounting method instead recognizes the TV sale at the point at which the customer takes ownership of the TV. Even though cash isn't yet in the bank, the sale is booked to an account known in accounting lingo as "accounts receivable," increasing the seller's revenue.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Jokes a a a part
Evolution
The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children.
The teacher asked a boy: Hrithik do you see the tree outside?
HRITHIK: Yes.
TEACHER: Hrithik, do you see the grass outside?
HRITHIK: Yes.
TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
HRITHIK: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.
TEACHER: Did you see God up there?
HRITHIK: No.
TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there. Possibly he just doesn't exist.
A girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions.
The teacher agreed and the girl asked the boy: Hrithik, do you see the tree outside?
HRITHIK: Yes.
LITTLE GIRL: Hrithik do you see the grass outside?
HRITHIK: Yessssss!
LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?
HRITHIK: Yessssss!
GIRL: Hrithik, do you see the
teacher?
HRITHIK: Yes
GIRL: Do you see her brain?
HRITHIK: No
GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today in school, she possibly may not even have one!
Mother in Law is sweet
A man was traveling down a country road when he saw a large group of people outside a house. He stopped and asked a person why the large crowd was there.
A farmer replied, “Ram’s mule kicked his mother-in-law and she died.”
“Well,” replied the man, “she must have had a lot of friends.”
“Nope,” said the farmer, “we all just want to buy his mule.”
Indicators
Santa and Banta went for a drive.
Santa: Hey, look out from the window, are the indicators working or not?
Banta puts his head out & says "Yes-No, Yes-No, Yes-No, Yes-No!!!"
Secret of Santa’s long marriage
Some people ask the secret of Anthony’s long marriage.
They take time to go to a restaurant two times a week: a little candlelight dinner, soft music, and a slow walk home.
The Mrs. goes Tuesdays; He goes Fridays.
Ship Sinks ....
Titanic was sinking.
An Englishman asked Santa, "How far is land"?
Santa: 2 KMs.
Englishman jumped into sea.
Englishman: Now, which direction?
Santa: Downwards !
Men will be Men
Ek 99 year ka aadmi Swarg ki raunak aur sunder apsarao ko dekhke bola : “Ye Baba Ramdev ke chakkar me na pada hota to yaha 30 saal pehle aa gaya hota”.
GETTING INTO FIGHTS
They were married, but since the argument they had a few days earlier, they hadn’t been talking to each other.
Instead, they were giving each other written notes.
One evening he gave her a paper where it said:
“Wake me up tomorrow morning at 6 am.”
The next morning he woke up and saw that it was 9 o’clock.
Naturally he got very angry, but as he turned around he found a note on his pillow saying:
“Wake up, it’s 6 o’clock!”
The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children.
The teacher asked a boy: Hrithik do you see the tree outside?
HRITHIK: Yes.
TEACHER: Hrithik, do you see the grass outside?
HRITHIK: Yes.
TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
HRITHIK: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.
TEACHER: Did you see God up there?
HRITHIK: No.
TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there. Possibly he just doesn't exist.
A girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions.
The teacher agreed and the girl asked the boy: Hrithik, do you see the tree outside?
HRITHIK: Yes.
LITTLE GIRL: Hrithik do you see the grass outside?
HRITHIK: Yessssss!
LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?
HRITHIK: Yessssss!
GIRL: Hrithik, do you see the
teacher?
HRITHIK: Yes
GIRL: Do you see her brain?
HRITHIK: No
GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today in school, she possibly may not even have one!
Mother in Law is sweet
A man was traveling down a country road when he saw a large group of people outside a house. He stopped and asked a person why the large crowd was there.
A farmer replied, “Ram’s mule kicked his mother-in-law and she died.”
“Well,” replied the man, “she must have had a lot of friends.”
“Nope,” said the farmer, “we all just want to buy his mule.”
Indicators
Santa and Banta went for a drive.
Santa: Hey, look out from the window, are the indicators working or not?
Banta puts his head out & says "Yes-No, Yes-No, Yes-No, Yes-No!!!"
Secret of Santa’s long marriage
Some people ask the secret of Anthony’s long marriage.
They take time to go to a restaurant two times a week: a little candlelight dinner, soft music, and a slow walk home.
The Mrs. goes Tuesdays; He goes Fridays.
Ship Sinks ....
Titanic was sinking.
An Englishman asked Santa, "How far is land"?
Santa: 2 KMs.
Englishman jumped into sea.
Englishman: Now, which direction?
Santa: Downwards !
Men will be Men
Ek 99 year ka aadmi Swarg ki raunak aur sunder apsarao ko dekhke bola : “Ye Baba Ramdev ke chakkar me na pada hota to yaha 30 saal pehle aa gaya hota”.
GETTING INTO FIGHTS
They were married, but since the argument they had a few days earlier, they hadn’t been talking to each other.
Instead, they were giving each other written notes.
One evening he gave her a paper where it said:
“Wake me up tomorrow morning at 6 am.”
The next morning he woke up and saw that it was 9 o’clock.
Naturally he got very angry, but as he turned around he found a note on his pillow saying:
“Wake up, it’s 6 o’clock!”
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
"Fair Value Definition, Relevance and measurement"
What is Fair Value? Definition.
Fair Value is an accounting term, originally defined by the SEC.
Under GAAP, the fair value of an asset is the amount at which that
asset could be bought or sold in a current transaction between
willing parties, other than in a liquidation. On the other side of
the balance sheet, the fair value of a liability is the amount at
which that liability could be incurred or settled in a current
transaction between willing parties, other than in a liquidation.
If available, a quoted market price in an active market is the best
evidence of fair value and should be used as the basis for the
measurement. If a quoted market price is not available, preparers
should make an estimate of fair value using the best information
available in the circumstances. In many circumstances, quoted market
prices are unavailable. As a result, difficulties occur when making
estimates of fair value.
Why Fair Value accounting? Relevance.
In today's dynamic and volatile markets, whether it is to buy or
sell, what people want to know is what an asset is worth today.
Accounting research supports that assertion. The FASB, after
extensive discussions, has concluded that fair value is the most
relevant measure for financial instruments. In its deliberations of
Statement 133, the FASB revisited that issue and again renewed its
commitment to eventually measuring all financial instruments at fair
value.
Fair value accounting provides more transparency than historical
cost based measurements. Maybe, if companies in the United States
and Asia had measured all financial instruments at fair value,
regulators, depositors, and investors could have achieved greater
regulatory and market discipline and avoided some of the losses that
investors and taxpayers have had to pay during previous downturns in
the economy.
Fair Value is an accounting term, originally defined by the SEC.
Under GAAP, the fair value of an asset is the amount at which that
asset could be bought or sold in a current transaction between
willing parties, other than in a liquidation. On the other side of
the balance sheet, the fair value of a liability is the amount at
which that liability could be incurred or settled in a current
transaction between willing parties, other than in a liquidation.
If available, a quoted market price in an active market is the best
evidence of fair value and should be used as the basis for the
measurement. If a quoted market price is not available, preparers
should make an estimate of fair value using the best information
available in the circumstances. In many circumstances, quoted market
prices are unavailable. As a result, difficulties occur when making
estimates of fair value.
Why Fair Value accounting? Relevance.
In today's dynamic and volatile markets, whether it is to buy or
sell, what people want to know is what an asset is worth today.
Accounting research supports that assertion. The FASB, after
extensive discussions, has concluded that fair value is the most
relevant measure for financial instruments. In its deliberations of
Statement 133, the FASB revisited that issue and again renewed its
commitment to eventually measuring all financial instruments at fair
value.
Fair value accounting provides more transparency than historical
cost based measurements. Maybe, if companies in the United States
and Asia had measured all financial instruments at fair value,
regulators, depositors, and investors could have achieved greater
regulatory and market discipline and avoided some of the losses that
investors and taxpayers have had to pay during previous downturns in
the economy.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Jokes Jokes and lots of Jokes
Police OR Ambulance
Wife:Look, a thief has entered our kitchen & he is eating the cake I made..
Husband:Whom should I call now POLICE or AMBULaNCE...............
Domain Knowledge
Boy was telling the story to his IT friends and trying to explain the Importance of domain knowledge....
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 3 and half years old and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken among other injuries.
Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!'
My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then she says to him, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'
....Mothers know!!
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Domain knowledge is very important!!! Else your supplier will trick you......
Effects of alcohol
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of alcohol, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms. “Now, class. Observe closely the worms,” said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
“Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?” the professor asked.
Little Salman, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded…
“Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms!”
Getting A Better Warranty
An angry motorist went back to a garage where he'd purchased an expensive battery for his car six months earlier.
"Listen," the motorist grumbled to the owner of the garage, "when I bought that battery you said it would be the last battery my car would ever need. It died after only six months!"
"Sorry," apologized the garage owner. "I didn't think your car would last longer than that."
Tongue and the teeth
Once tongue and teeth had a fight so teeth told to tongue you are only one fellow we are 32 people be careful with us if we decide we will cut into pieces be careful so tongue told fellows you may be 32 and I may be single if I misbehave one word in front any one if they slap you all 32 of you will fall down so you be careful with me
Identity Problem
Santa and Banta sitting in the bar at Raja Sansi Airport, Amritsar.
"I've come to meet my brother," said the Santa. "He's due to fly in from Canada in an hour's time. It's his first trip home in forty years."
"Will you be able to recognize him?" asked the Banta.
"I'm sure I won't," said Santa, "after all, he's been away for a long time."
"I wonder if he'll recognize you?" said the Banta.
"Of course he will," said Santa. "Sure, I haven't been away at all."
Getting Lucky In Vegas
A girl walks up to a Coke machine in a Las Vegas casino, puts in a few coins, and out pops a Coke. She puts some more coins into the machine, and another can of soda pops out. She keeps putting in coins, and cans of soda keep coming out.
A guy walks up behind her and says, "Can I please use the machine?"
"Buzz off!" she says. "Can't you see I'm winning?"
TAX structure in India
1) Qus. : What are you doing?
Ans.: Business.
Tax: PAY PROFESSIONAL TAX!
2) Qus. : What are you doing in Business?
Ans.: Selling the Goods.
Tax: PAY SALES TAX!!
3) Qus. : From where are you getting Goods?
Ans.: From other State/Abroad
Tax: PAY CENTRAL SALES TAX, CUSTOM DUTY & OCTROI!
4) Qus. : What are you getting in Selling Goods?
Ans.: Profit.
Tax: PAY INCOME TAX!
5) Qus. : Where you Manufacturing the Goods?
Ans.: Factory.
Tax: PAY EXCISE DUTY!
6) Qus. : Do you have Office / Warehouse/ Factory?
Ans.: Yes
Tax: PAY MUNICIPAL & FIRE TAX!
7) Qus. : Do you have Staff?
Ans.: Yes
Tax: PAY STAFF PROFESSIONAL TAX!
8) Qus. : Doing business in Millions?
Ans.: Yes
Tax: PAY TURNOVER TAX!
9) Qus. : Are you taking out over 25,000 Cash from Bank?
Ans.: Yes, for Salary.
Tax: PAY CASH HANDLING TAX!
10) Qus. : Where are you taking your client for Lunch & Dinner?
Ans.: Hotel
Tax: PAY FOOD & ENTERTAINMENT TAX!
11) Qus. : Are you going Out of Station for Business?
Ans.: Yes
Tax: PAY FRINGE BENEFIT TAX!
12) Qus. : Have you taken or given any Service/s?
Ans.: Yes
Tax : PAY SERVICE TAX!
13) Qus. : How come you got such a Big Amount?
Ans.: Gift on birthday.
Tax: PAY GIFT TAX!
14) Qus. : Do you have any Wealth?
Ans.: Yes
Tax: PAY WEALTH TAX!
15) Qus. : To reduce Tension, for entertainment, where are you going?
Ans.: Cinema or Resort.
Tax: PAY ENTERTAINMENT TAX!
16) Qus. : Have you purchased House?
Ans.: Yes
Tax : PAY STAMP DUTY & REGISTRATION FEE !
17) Qus. : How you Travel?
Ans.: Bus
Tax: PAY SURCHARGE!
18) Qus. : Any Additional Tax?
Ans.: Yes
Tax: PAY EDUCATIONAL, ADDITIONAL EDUCATIONAL & SURCHARGE ON ALL THE CENTRAL GOVT.'s TAX !!!
19) Qus. : Delayed any time Paying Any Tax?
Ans.: Yes
Tax: PAY INTEREST & PENALTY
The great Wife
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear?" She asked gently.
"I think you bring me bad luck."
Funny Equations
SSC + HSC + BTech + MBA = UNEMPLOYMENT
An Idea + An Idiot = A Dot com.
One Chinese gymnast = India's Gold Medal tally since 1896
Sushmita Sen - 1.2 feet = Salman Khan.
Special Effects in Shampoo ads = Special effects in Jurassic park.
4 weeks in Switzerland + London + New Zealand + Canada = a 4 minute song in Hindi movie.
Ajay Devgan + cosmetic surgery + acting ability + personality + own production company = Kajol..
Rona dhona x Bewafai x Badle ki aag = Your mum's favorite serials.
Amitabh Bachchan + Jaya Bachchan - Talent = Abhishek Bachchan
Any actor + Any actress + many movies = David Dhawan
1 smile + 32 teeth = Govinda
1 person - shirt = Salman Khan
1 person + straight hair + un-straight walk = Sanjay Dutt
1 hand + 10 kg weight = Sunny Deol
One engagement + Two weddings + Three wedding songs + Four hundred Relatives + A house bigger than Buckingham Palace = One Sooraj Barjataya Film
Reading mails all the time + no replies = Silence of the Lamb!
Qualified Employee + No Work = Forward mails
Where is your wife ???????
A guy was known among his friends to be very brief and to the point-he really never said too much. One day, a saleswoman promoting a certain brand of brushes knocked his door and asked to see his wife, so the guy told her that she wasn't home.
"Well," the woman said "could I please wait for her?"
"The man directed her to the drawing room and left her there for more than three hours. After feeling really worried, she called out for him and asked," May I know where your wife is?"
"She went to the cemetery," he replied.
"And when is she coming?"
"I don t really know," he said. "She s been there eleven years now,"
Guys improve over time
Two guys were sitting around talking one day. The first guy said, "Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market."
"Sounds like you may be bitter because she has changed you so drastically, " remarked his friend.
The first guy replied, "No, I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."
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In Love With You...
HELLO ... after a long time
We Were Meant to Be...
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Format for Acknowledged Resignation
Wife:Look, a thief has entered our kitchen & he is eating the cake I made..
Husband:Whom should I call now POLICE or AMBULaNCE...............
Domain Knowledge
Boy was telling the story to his IT friends and trying to explain the Importance of domain knowledge....
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 3 and half years old and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken among other injuries.
Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!'
My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then she says to him, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'
....Mothers know!!
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Domain knowledge is very important!!! Else your supplier will trick you......
Effects of alcohol
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of alcohol, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms. “Now, class. Observe closely the worms,” said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
“Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?” the professor asked.
Little Salman, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded…
“Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms!”
Getting A Better Warranty
An angry motorist went back to a garage where he'd purchased an expensive battery for his car six months earlier.
"Listen," the motorist grumbled to the owner of the garage, "when I bought that battery you said it would be the last battery my car would ever need. It died after only six months!"
"Sorry," apologized the garage owner. "I didn't think your car would last longer than that."
Tongue and the teeth
Once tongue and teeth had a fight so teeth told to tongue you are only one fellow we are 32 people be careful with us if we decide we will cut into pieces be careful so tongue told fellows you may be 32 and I may be single if I misbehave one word in front any one if they slap you all 32 of you will fall down so you be careful with me
Identity Problem
Santa and Banta sitting in the bar at Raja Sansi Airport, Amritsar.
"I've come to meet my brother," said the Santa. "He's due to fly in from Canada in an hour's time. It's his first trip home in forty years."
"Will you be able to recognize him?" asked the Banta.
"I'm sure I won't," said Santa, "after all, he's been away for a long time."
"I wonder if he'll recognize you?" said the Banta.
"Of course he will," said Santa. "Sure, I haven't been away at all."
Getting Lucky In Vegas
A girl walks up to a Coke machine in a Las Vegas casino, puts in a few coins, and out pops a Coke. She puts some more coins into the machine, and another can of soda pops out. She keeps putting in coins, and cans of soda keep coming out.
A guy walks up behind her and says, "Can I please use the machine?"
"Buzz off!" she says. "Can't you see I'm winning?"
TAX structure in India
1) Qus. : What are you doing?
Ans.: Business.
Tax: PAY PROFESSIONAL TAX!
2) Qus. : What are you doing in Business?
Ans.: Selling the Goods.
Tax: PAY SALES TAX!!
3) Qus. : From where are you getting Goods?
Ans.: From other State/Abroad
Tax: PAY CENTRAL SALES TAX, CUSTOM DUTY & OCTROI!
4) Qus. : What are you getting in Selling Goods?
Ans.: Profit.
Tax: PAY INCOME TAX!
5) Qus. : Where you Manufacturing the Goods?
Ans.: Factory.
Tax: PAY EXCISE DUTY!
6) Qus. : Do you have Office / Warehouse/ Factory?
Ans.: Yes
Tax: PAY MUNICIPAL & FIRE TAX!
7) Qus. : Do you have Staff?
Ans.: Yes
Tax: PAY STAFF PROFESSIONAL TAX!
8) Qus. : Doing business in Millions?
Ans.: Yes
Tax: PAY TURNOVER TAX!
9) Qus. : Are you taking out over 25,000 Cash from Bank?
Ans.: Yes, for Salary.
Tax: PAY CASH HANDLING TAX!
10) Qus. : Where are you taking your client for Lunch & Dinner?
Ans.: Hotel
Tax: PAY FOOD & ENTERTAINMENT TAX!
11) Qus. : Are you going Out of Station for Business?
Ans.: Yes
Tax: PAY FRINGE BENEFIT TAX!
12) Qus. : Have you taken or given any Service/s?
Ans.: Yes
Tax : PAY SERVICE TAX!
13) Qus. : How come you got such a Big Amount?
Ans.: Gift on birthday.
Tax: PAY GIFT TAX!
14) Qus. : Do you have any Wealth?
Ans.: Yes
Tax: PAY WEALTH TAX!
15) Qus. : To reduce Tension, for entertainment, where are you going?
Ans.: Cinema or Resort.
Tax: PAY ENTERTAINMENT TAX!
16) Qus. : Have you purchased House?
Ans.: Yes
Tax : PAY STAMP DUTY & REGISTRATION FEE !
17) Qus. : How you Travel?
Ans.: Bus
Tax: PAY SURCHARGE!
18) Qus. : Any Additional Tax?
Ans.: Yes
Tax: PAY EDUCATIONAL, ADDITIONAL EDUCATIONAL & SURCHARGE ON ALL THE CENTRAL GOVT.'s TAX !!!
19) Qus. : Delayed any time Paying Any Tax?
Ans.: Yes
Tax: PAY INTEREST & PENALTY
The great Wife
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear?" She asked gently.
"I think you bring me bad luck."
Funny Equations
SSC + HSC + BTech + MBA = UNEMPLOYMENT
An Idea + An Idiot = A Dot com.
One Chinese gymnast = India's Gold Medal tally since 1896
Sushmita Sen - 1.2 feet = Salman Khan.
Special Effects in Shampoo ads = Special effects in Jurassic park.
4 weeks in Switzerland + London + New Zealand + Canada = a 4 minute song in Hindi movie.
Ajay Devgan + cosmetic surgery + acting ability + personality + own production company = Kajol..
Rona dhona x Bewafai x Badle ki aag = Your mum's favorite serials.
Amitabh Bachchan + Jaya Bachchan - Talent = Abhishek Bachchan
Any actor + Any actress + many movies = David Dhawan
1 smile + 32 teeth = Govinda
1 person - shirt = Salman Khan
1 person + straight hair + un-straight walk = Sanjay Dutt
1 hand + 10 kg weight = Sunny Deol
One engagement + Two weddings + Three wedding songs + Four hundred Relatives + A house bigger than Buckingham Palace = One Sooraj Barjataya Film
Reading mails all the time + no replies = Silence of the Lamb!
Qualified Employee + No Work = Forward mails
Where is your wife ???????
A guy was known among his friends to be very brief and to the point-he really never said too much. One day, a saleswoman promoting a certain brand of brushes knocked his door and asked to see his wife, so the guy told her that she wasn't home.
"Well," the woman said "could I please wait for her?"
"The man directed her to the drawing room and left her there for more than three hours. After feeling really worried, she called out for him and asked," May I know where your wife is?"
"She went to the cemetery," he replied.
"And when is she coming?"
"I don t really know," he said. "She s been there eleven years now,"
Guys improve over time
Two guys were sitting around talking one day. The first guy said, "Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market."
"Sounds like you may be bitter because she has changed you so drastically, " remarked his friend.
The first guy replied, "No, I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."
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We Were Meant to Be...
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Monday, May 17, 2010
All about IPOs and FPOs
What is an Initial Public Offering?
Initial Public Offering, IPO, is when an unlisted company makes either a fresh issue of securities or an offer for sale of its existing securities or both for the first time to the public.
What is a Follow on Public Offering?
A Follow on Public Offering, FPO, is when an already listed company makes either a fresh issue of securities to the public or an offer for sale to the public, through an offer document. An offer for sale in such scenario is allowed only if it is made to satisfy listing or continuous listing obligations.
What is a Fixed Price IPO?
It’s an issue where issuing company defines single price per share. After subscription, company decides the basis of allotment depending upon under/over subscription. On this basis an applicant may or may not get allotment of shares.
What is a Book Building IPO?
It’s an issue where issuing company defines a price range i.e floor (lower) price and Cap (Upper) price. After subscription, company decides the basis of allotment depending upon under/over subscription. On this basis an applicant may or may not get allotment of shares.
What is a Cut Off Price?
In Book building issue, the issuer is required to indicate either the price band or a floor price in the red herring prospectus. The actual discovered issue price can be any price in the price band or any price above the floor price. This issue price is called “Cut Off Price”. Only retail individual investors have an option of applying at Cut Off Price.
How is the Retail Investor defined as?
‘Retail Individual Investor’ means an investor who applies or bids for securities of or for a value of not more than Rs.1,00,000/
What are the different kinds of issues?
Primarily, issues can be classified as a Public, Rights or preferential
issues (also known as private placements). While public and rights issues involve a detailed procedure, private placements or preferential issues are relatively simpler. The classification of issues is illustrated below:Public issues can be further classified into Initial Public offerings andfurther public offerings. In a public offering, the issuer makes an offer fornew investors to enter its shareholding family. The issuer company makes detailed disclosures as per the DIP guidelines in its offerdocument and offers it for subscription.
The significant features are illustrated below:
Issues
Public Preferential Rights
Initial Public Offering Further Public Offering
Fresh Issue Offer for sale Fresh Issue Offer for sale
Initial Public Offering (IPO) is when an unlisted company makes either a
fresh issue of securities or an offer for sale of its existing securities or
both for the first time to the public. This paves way for listing and trading
of the issuer’s securities.
A follow on public offering (FPO) is when an already listed company makes either a fresh issue of securities to the public or an offer for sale to the public, through an offer document. An offer for sale in such scenario is allowed only if it is made to satisfy listing or continuous listing obligations.
Rights Issue (RI) is when a listed company which proposes to issue fresh securities to its existing shareholders as on a record date. The rights are normally offered in a particular ratio to the number of securities held prior to the issue. This route is best suited for companies who would like to raise capital without diluting stake of its existing shareholders unless they do not intend to subscribe to their entitlements.
A preferential issue is an issue of shares or of convertible securities by listed companies to a select group of persons under Section 81 of the Companies Act, 1956 which is neither a rights issue nor a public issue. This is a faster way for a company to raise equity capital. The issuer company has to comply with the Companies Act and the requirements contained in Chapter pertaining to preferential allotment in SEBI (DIP)
What are the eligibility norms for making these issues?
SEBI has laid down eligibility norms for entities accessing the primary market through public issues. There is no eligibility norm for a listed compaNy making a rights issue as it is an offer made to the existing shareholders who are expected to know their company. The main entry norms for companies making a public issue (IPO or FPO) are summarized as under:
Entry Norm I (EN I): The company shall meet the following
requirements:
(a) Net Tangible Assets of at least Rs. 3 crores for 3 full years.
(b) Distributable profits in atleast three years
(c) Net worth of at least Rs. 1 crore in three years
(d) If change in name, atleast 50% revenue for preceding 1 year should be from the new activity.
(e) The issue size does not exceed 5 times the pre- issue net worth
To provide sufficient flexibility and also to ensure that genuine companies do not suffer on account of rigidity of the parameters, SEBI has provided two other alternative routes to company not satisfying any of the above conditions, for accessing the primary Market, as under:
Entry Norm II (EN II):
(a) Issue shall be through book building route, with at least 50% to be mandatory allotted to the Qualified Institutional Buyers (QIBs).
(b) The minimum post-issue face value capital shall be Rs. 10 crore or there shall be a compulsory market-making for at least 2 years
OR
Entry Norm III (EN III):
(a) The “project” is appraised and participated to the extent of 15% by FIs/Scheduled Commercial Banks of which at least 10% comes from the appraiser(s).
(b) The minimum post-issue face value capital shall be Rs. 10 crore or there shall be a compulsory market-making for at least 2 years.
In addition to satisfying the aforesaid eligibility norms, the company shall also satisfy the criteria of having at least 1000 prospective allotees in its issue
Initial Public Offering, IPO, is when an unlisted company makes either a fresh issue of securities or an offer for sale of its existing securities or both for the first time to the public.
What is a Follow on Public Offering?
A Follow on Public Offering, FPO, is when an already listed company makes either a fresh issue of securities to the public or an offer for sale to the public, through an offer document. An offer for sale in such scenario is allowed only if it is made to satisfy listing or continuous listing obligations.
What is a Fixed Price IPO?
It’s an issue where issuing company defines single price per share. After subscription, company decides the basis of allotment depending upon under/over subscription. On this basis an applicant may or may not get allotment of shares.
What is a Book Building IPO?
It’s an issue where issuing company defines a price range i.e floor (lower) price and Cap (Upper) price. After subscription, company decides the basis of allotment depending upon under/over subscription. On this basis an applicant may or may not get allotment of shares.
What is a Cut Off Price?
In Book building issue, the issuer is required to indicate either the price band or a floor price in the red herring prospectus. The actual discovered issue price can be any price in the price band or any price above the floor price. This issue price is called “Cut Off Price”. Only retail individual investors have an option of applying at Cut Off Price.
How is the Retail Investor defined as?
‘Retail Individual Investor’ means an investor who applies or bids for securities of or for a value of not more than Rs.1,00,000/
What are the different kinds of issues?
Primarily, issues can be classified as a Public, Rights or preferential
issues (also known as private placements). While public and rights issues involve a detailed procedure, private placements or preferential issues are relatively simpler. The classification of issues is illustrated below:Public issues can be further classified into Initial Public offerings andfurther public offerings. In a public offering, the issuer makes an offer fornew investors to enter its shareholding family. The issuer company makes detailed disclosures as per the DIP guidelines in its offerdocument and offers it for subscription.
The significant features are illustrated below:
Issues
Public Preferential Rights
Initial Public Offering Further Public Offering
Fresh Issue Offer for sale Fresh Issue Offer for sale
Initial Public Offering (IPO) is when an unlisted company makes either a
fresh issue of securities or an offer for sale of its existing securities or
both for the first time to the public. This paves way for listing and trading
of the issuer’s securities.
A follow on public offering (FPO) is when an already listed company makes either a fresh issue of securities to the public or an offer for sale to the public, through an offer document. An offer for sale in such scenario is allowed only if it is made to satisfy listing or continuous listing obligations.
Rights Issue (RI) is when a listed company which proposes to issue fresh securities to its existing shareholders as on a record date. The rights are normally offered in a particular ratio to the number of securities held prior to the issue. This route is best suited for companies who would like to raise capital without diluting stake of its existing shareholders unless they do not intend to subscribe to their entitlements.
A preferential issue is an issue of shares or of convertible securities by listed companies to a select group of persons under Section 81 of the Companies Act, 1956 which is neither a rights issue nor a public issue. This is a faster way for a company to raise equity capital. The issuer company has to comply with the Companies Act and the requirements contained in Chapter pertaining to preferential allotment in SEBI (DIP)
What are the eligibility norms for making these issues?
SEBI has laid down eligibility norms for entities accessing the primary market through public issues. There is no eligibility norm for a listed compaNy making a rights issue as it is an offer made to the existing shareholders who are expected to know their company. The main entry norms for companies making a public issue (IPO or FPO) are summarized as under:
Entry Norm I (EN I): The company shall meet the following
requirements:
(a) Net Tangible Assets of at least Rs. 3 crores for 3 full years.
(b) Distributable profits in atleast three years
(c) Net worth of at least Rs. 1 crore in three years
(d) If change in name, atleast 50% revenue for preceding 1 year should be from the new activity.
(e) The issue size does not exceed 5 times the pre- issue net worth
To provide sufficient flexibility and also to ensure that genuine companies do not suffer on account of rigidity of the parameters, SEBI has provided two other alternative routes to company not satisfying any of the above conditions, for accessing the primary Market, as under:
Entry Norm II (EN II):
(a) Issue shall be through book building route, with at least 50% to be mandatory allotted to the Qualified Institutional Buyers (QIBs).
(b) The minimum post-issue face value capital shall be Rs. 10 crore or there shall be a compulsory market-making for at least 2 years
OR
Entry Norm III (EN III):
(a) The “project” is appraised and participated to the extent of 15% by FIs/Scheduled Commercial Banks of which at least 10% comes from the appraiser(s).
(b) The minimum post-issue face value capital shall be Rs. 10 crore or there shall be a compulsory market-making for at least 2 years.
In addition to satisfying the aforesaid eligibility norms, the company shall also satisfy the criteria of having at least 1000 prospective allotees in its issue
Some financial Terma
What Does Due Diligence - DD Mean?
1. An investigation or audit of a potential investment. Due diligence serves to confirm all material facts in regards to a sale.
2. Generally, due diligence refers to the care a reasonable person should take before entering into an agreement or a transaction with another party.
Explaination of Due Diligence - DD
1. Offers to purchase an asset are usually dependent on the results of due diligence analysis. This includes reviewing all financial records plus anything else deemed material to the sale. Sellers could also perform a due diligence analysis on the buyer. Items that may be considered are the buyer's ability to purchase, as well as other items that would affect the purchased entity or the seller after the sale has been completed.
2. Due diligence is a way of preventing unnecessary harm to either party involved in a transaction.
What Does Economic Order Quantity - EOQ Mean?
An inventory-related equation that determines the optimum order quantity that a company should hold in its inventory given a set cost of production, demand rate and other variables. This is done to minimize variable inventory costs. The full equation is as follows:
EOQ=Sqrt(2SD/PI)
where :
S = Setup costs
D = Demand rate
P = Production cost
I = Interest rate (considered an opportunity cost, so the risk-free rate can be used)
What Does Securitization Mean?
The process through which an issuer creates a financial instrument by combining other financial assets and then marketing different tiers of the repackaged instruments to investors. The process can encompass any type of financial asset and promotes liquidity in the marketplace.
Explaination of Securitization
Mortgage-backed securities are a perfect example of securitization. By combining mortgages into one large pool, the issuer can divide the large pool into smaller pieces based on each individual mortgage's inherent risk of default and then sell those smaller pieces to investors.
The process creates liquidity by enabling smaller investors to purchase shares in a larger asset pool. Using the mortgage-backed security example, individual retail investors are able to purchase portions of a mortgage as a type of bond. Without the securitization of mortgages, retail investors may not be able to afford to buy into a large pool of mortgages.
1. An investigation or audit of a potential investment. Due diligence serves to confirm all material facts in regards to a sale.
2. Generally, due diligence refers to the care a reasonable person should take before entering into an agreement or a transaction with another party.
Explaination of Due Diligence - DD
1. Offers to purchase an asset are usually dependent on the results of due diligence analysis. This includes reviewing all financial records plus anything else deemed material to the sale. Sellers could also perform a due diligence analysis on the buyer. Items that may be considered are the buyer's ability to purchase, as well as other items that would affect the purchased entity or the seller after the sale has been completed.
2. Due diligence is a way of preventing unnecessary harm to either party involved in a transaction.
What Does Economic Order Quantity - EOQ Mean?
An inventory-related equation that determines the optimum order quantity that a company should hold in its inventory given a set cost of production, demand rate and other variables. This is done to minimize variable inventory costs. The full equation is as follows:
EOQ=Sqrt(2SD/PI)
where :
S = Setup costs
D = Demand rate
P = Production cost
I = Interest rate (considered an opportunity cost, so the risk-free rate can be used)
What Does Securitization Mean?
The process through which an issuer creates a financial instrument by combining other financial assets and then marketing different tiers of the repackaged instruments to investors. The process can encompass any type of financial asset and promotes liquidity in the marketplace.
Explaination of Securitization
Mortgage-backed securities are a perfect example of securitization. By combining mortgages into one large pool, the issuer can divide the large pool into smaller pieces based on each individual mortgage's inherent risk of default and then sell those smaller pieces to investors.
The process creates liquidity by enabling smaller investors to purchase shares in a larger asset pool. Using the mortgage-backed security example, individual retail investors are able to purchase portions of a mortgage as a type of bond. Without the securitization of mortgages, retail investors may not be able to afford to buy into a large pool of mortgages.
Taxes
Taxes Paid by the Individual
There are 7 types of taxes that are paid for by an individual.
1. Income Taxes: These taxes are paid out by anyone who earns an income by any means.
2. Property Taxes: These are paid by anyone who owns property such as land, a home or commercial real estate. These taxes are often collected by the state and county to help fund their budgets. While income taxes are subject to deductions or credits, these taxes are often fairly rigid. Licensing fees on cars, recreational vehicles and watercraft are property taxes as well.
3. Consumptive Taxes: These are taxes on sales goods or items that are subjected to being used by either an individual or business.
Taxes Paid by Businesses
Taxes paid by businesses
4. Corporate Taxes: A levy placed on the profit of a firm; different rates are used for different levels of profits.
5. Payroll Taxes: These taxes are taken out by the businesses before income is distributed to the individual in exchange for the work that was done. These are commonly called "FUDA" and "FICA"
OR
It is a Tax an employer withholds and/or pays on behalf of their employees based on the wage or salary of the employee
Other Taxes
6. Capital Gains: These taxes are paid on investments that have appreciated. Frequently these investments have been sold. Examples would be stocks, bonds, and real estate.
7. Inheritance or Estate Taxes: An inheritance tax (also known as an estate tax or death duty) is a tax which arises on the death of an individual. It is a tax on the estate, or total value of the money and property, of a person who has died.[1] In international tax law, there is a distinction between an estate tax and an inheritance tax: an estate tax taxes the personal representatives of the deceased, while an inheritance tax taxes the beneficiaries of the estate.
There are 7 types of taxes that are paid for by an individual.
1. Income Taxes: These taxes are paid out by anyone who earns an income by any means.
2. Property Taxes: These are paid by anyone who owns property such as land, a home or commercial real estate. These taxes are often collected by the state and county to help fund their budgets. While income taxes are subject to deductions or credits, these taxes are often fairly rigid. Licensing fees on cars, recreational vehicles and watercraft are property taxes as well.
3. Consumptive Taxes: These are taxes on sales goods or items that are subjected to being used by either an individual or business.
Taxes Paid by Businesses
Taxes paid by businesses
4. Corporate Taxes: A levy placed on the profit of a firm; different rates are used for different levels of profits.
5. Payroll Taxes: These taxes are taken out by the businesses before income is distributed to the individual in exchange for the work that was done. These are commonly called "FUDA" and "FICA"
OR
It is a Tax an employer withholds and/or pays on behalf of their employees based on the wage or salary of the employee
Other Taxes
6. Capital Gains: These taxes are paid on investments that have appreciated. Frequently these investments have been sold. Examples would be stocks, bonds, and real estate.
7. Inheritance or Estate Taxes: An inheritance tax (also known as an estate tax or death duty) is a tax which arises on the death of an individual. It is a tax on the estate, or total value of the money and property, of a person who has died.[1] In international tax law, there is a distinction between an estate tax and an inheritance tax: an estate tax taxes the personal representatives of the deceased, while an inheritance tax taxes the beneficiaries of the estate.
Some Cool Jokes
Secure An Important Client
As salesman was assigned to secure an important client but failed in his mission. He faxed his secretary and asked her to break the news indirectly to his boss. His note read, "Failed in securing client, prepare the boss."
He received the following fax from his secretary: "The boss is prepared...prepare yourself."
40 Years Married Experience
On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"
Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."
What happens in an indian hell?
An Indian dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes first to the German hell and asks "What do they do here?" He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.
Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a very long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed he asks "What do they do here?"
He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour.Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in? "Because maintenance is so bad >that>>the electric chair does not work, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Govt servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the cafeteria..."
By mistake amputated
In a big commercial Hospital, the Doctor goes to a patient in the post surgical ward tells:
I hava one good news and a bad news for you, tell me which one you want to hear first ?
Patient with lot of curiosity says Doctor first tell me what is the bad news ?
Doctor says : We are very sorry that by mistake we have amputed your right leg instead of your problamatic left leg.
Ooh god " tell me what is the good news ? patient asks doctor with lot of anxiety.
Doctor with a smile on his face coolly tells: On further investigations on your leg problem, it is found that your left leg doesn't require amputation and it is perfectly alright.
Patient goes mad........hhee...hheee...hheeeee
Smart Doctor and His Treatment
A young woman wasn't feeling well, and asked one her co-workers to recommend a physician.
"I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive. Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each one after that."
The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to save a little money, cheerily announced. "I'm back!"
Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and said, "Very good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit."
Krishnajanma
In some remote village of India, one masterji is teaching the Mahabharat katha to class 6 students. He is at the 'krishnajanma' part of it.
Masterji: "Kansa heard the akashwani that his sister's 8th child is going to kill him. He was furious. He ordered to put vasudev n devki behind the bars.
First son is born, and kansa kills him by poisoning... Second one is born n kansa throws him off the mountain peak. Third one is born..."
Now Ramu, who is smartest of the lot, puts up his hand. Masterji, I have a doubt (sounding nervous n confused)
Masterji: "Ramu bete, whole India does not have doubt in mahabharata then how come u have one?"
Ramu : Masterji, if Kansa knew that Devaki's 8th child was going to Kill him,
WHY THE HELL DID HE PUT VASUDEV AND DEVAKI IN THE SAME CELL ?
Masterji fainted.........................
Women are extremely determined
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks,
interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a
woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large
metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our
instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will
find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill her!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The
agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife
and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with
tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said,
"You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to
kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were
heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the
walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and
there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. "This gun was
loaded with false bullets" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the
chair!!"
MORAL: Women are extremely determined.. Don't mess with them?
Marvellous answer
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively,
"So doctor, look at this. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this will work as a new one.
So how come you get the big money, when you and me is doing basically the same work? "
The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic...........
He said: " Try to do it when the engine is running ".
Some blonde are so stupid that
Some blonde are so stupid that ...
* she called me to get my phone number.
* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."
* she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
*she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
*she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
*she tried to drown a fish.
*she thought a quarterback was a refund.
*she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
*she tripped over a cordless phone.
*she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
*she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
*she studied for a blood test.
*she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
*when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
*when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
*when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home
For God's sake where do u want it..
In a Test between India and the West Indies, the fiery Wes Hall was sending quivers down the Indian spine. The new batsman walked slowly to the crease feeling like a lamb at the slaughterhouse.
As the great bowler thundered in, suddenly he stood up in the crease, and signaled that he wanted the sightscreen adjusted. Adjustments were made and the bowler was ready to come in again.
Once again, in the middle of bowler’s run-up, the batsman found something disturbing in the sightscreen. This went on a few times before the irritated umpire walked up to the batsman and enquired, "Where do you want the sight screen, for God's sake?"
The trebling batsman asked, "Could I have it between him and me?"
Banta facing Brett Lee..
Banta is selected to play for the Indian cricket team as an opening batsman in a one-day game against Australia. He came down to face the first over from Brett Lee who is bowling at his fiercest.
First ball: Whizzes past Banta 's off-stump. Banta doesn't move an inch. Ball goes to the wicket keeper.
Second ball: Goes right over the Banta 's bat and just over the middle stump missing both the bat and the stumps. Banta is again unmoved.
Third ball: Is a bouncer and misses Banta 's head by a fraction of an inch. Yet Banta is unmoved.
Fourth ball: Outside the leg-stump. Banta doesn't move and the ball shoots past him to the wicket keeper. But this time, the umpire shouts "No Ball!"
Banta walks up to the umpire and tells him, "So you discovered it now? You see, I know from the very beginning this guy has no ball in his hand!"
Karate Class
Banta was a not too smart kind of guy. Everyday when he walked home from work, he would get stopped by three nasty men and they would beat him up and steal his money.
Finally, Banta decided that it would serve his best interest to walk a different route and then take up some self-defense classes so this wouldn't happen again. He joined a karate class and soon was doing very well to defend himself.
So, one day, on the way home from work Banta took his old route home and sure enough there they were. He walked up to them and the battle ensued. The next afternoon Banta went to his karate class with a black eye, a broken nose and a busted lip.
His instructor, shocked, asked him what happened.
"Well," explained Banta , "I took my old way home last night so I could beat these guys up who were stealing my money, but they beat me up before I could get my shoes and socks off!"
As salesman was assigned to secure an important client but failed in his mission. He faxed his secretary and asked her to break the news indirectly to his boss. His note read, "Failed in securing client, prepare the boss."
He received the following fax from his secretary: "The boss is prepared...prepare yourself."
40 Years Married Experience
On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"
Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."
What happens in an indian hell?
An Indian dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes first to the German hell and asks "What do they do here?" He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.
Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a very long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed he asks "What do they do here?"
He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour.Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in? "Because maintenance is so bad >that>>the electric chair does not work, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Govt servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the cafeteria..."
By mistake amputated
In a big commercial Hospital, the Doctor goes to a patient in the post surgical ward tells:
I hava one good news and a bad news for you, tell me which one you want to hear first ?
Patient with lot of curiosity says Doctor first tell me what is the bad news ?
Doctor says : We are very sorry that by mistake we have amputed your right leg instead of your problamatic left leg.
Ooh god " tell me what is the good news ? patient asks doctor with lot of anxiety.
Doctor with a smile on his face coolly tells: On further investigations on your leg problem, it is found that your left leg doesn't require amputation and it is perfectly alright.
Patient goes mad........hhee...hheee...hheeeee
Smart Doctor and His Treatment
A young woman wasn't feeling well, and asked one her co-workers to recommend a physician.
"I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive. Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each one after that."
The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to save a little money, cheerily announced. "I'm back!"
Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and said, "Very good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit."
Krishnajanma
In some remote village of India, one masterji is teaching the Mahabharat katha to class 6 students. He is at the 'krishnajanma' part of it.
Masterji: "Kansa heard the akashwani that his sister's 8th child is going to kill him. He was furious. He ordered to put vasudev n devki behind the bars.
First son is born, and kansa kills him by poisoning... Second one is born n kansa throws him off the mountain peak. Third one is born..."
Now Ramu, who is smartest of the lot, puts up his hand. Masterji, I have a doubt (sounding nervous n confused)
Masterji: "Ramu bete, whole India does not have doubt in mahabharata then how come u have one?"
Ramu : Masterji, if Kansa knew that Devaki's 8th child was going to Kill him,
WHY THE HELL DID HE PUT VASUDEV AND DEVAKI IN THE SAME CELL ?
Masterji fainted.........................
Women are extremely determined
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks,
interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a
woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large
metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our
instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will
find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill her!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The
agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife
and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with
tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said,
"You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to
kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were
heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the
walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and
there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. "This gun was
loaded with false bullets" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the
chair!!"
MORAL: Women are extremely determined.. Don't mess with them?
Marvellous answer
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively,
"So doctor, look at this. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this will work as a new one.
So how come you get the big money, when you and me is doing basically the same work? "
The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic...........
He said: " Try to do it when the engine is running ".
Some blonde are so stupid that
Some blonde are so stupid that ...
* she called me to get my phone number.
* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."
* she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
*she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
*she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
*she tried to drown a fish.
*she thought a quarterback was a refund.
*she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
*she tripped over a cordless phone.
*she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
*she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
*she studied for a blood test.
*she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
*when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
*when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
*when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home
For God's sake where do u want it..
In a Test between India and the West Indies, the fiery Wes Hall was sending quivers down the Indian spine. The new batsman walked slowly to the crease feeling like a lamb at the slaughterhouse.
As the great bowler thundered in, suddenly he stood up in the crease, and signaled that he wanted the sightscreen adjusted. Adjustments were made and the bowler was ready to come in again.
Once again, in the middle of bowler’s run-up, the batsman found something disturbing in the sightscreen. This went on a few times before the irritated umpire walked up to the batsman and enquired, "Where do you want the sight screen, for God's sake?"
The trebling batsman asked, "Could I have it between him and me?"
Banta facing Brett Lee..
Banta is selected to play for the Indian cricket team as an opening batsman in a one-day game against Australia. He came down to face the first over from Brett Lee who is bowling at his fiercest.
First ball: Whizzes past Banta 's off-stump. Banta doesn't move an inch. Ball goes to the wicket keeper.
Second ball: Goes right over the Banta 's bat and just over the middle stump missing both the bat and the stumps. Banta is again unmoved.
Third ball: Is a bouncer and misses Banta 's head by a fraction of an inch. Yet Banta is unmoved.
Fourth ball: Outside the leg-stump. Banta doesn't move and the ball shoots past him to the wicket keeper. But this time, the umpire shouts "No Ball!"
Banta walks up to the umpire and tells him, "So you discovered it now? You see, I know from the very beginning this guy has no ball in his hand!"
Karate Class
Banta was a not too smart kind of guy. Everyday when he walked home from work, he would get stopped by three nasty men and they would beat him up and steal his money.
Finally, Banta decided that it would serve his best interest to walk a different route and then take up some self-defense classes so this wouldn't happen again. He joined a karate class and soon was doing very well to defend himself.
So, one day, on the way home from work Banta took his old route home and sure enough there they were. He walked up to them and the battle ensued. The next afternoon Banta went to his karate class with a black eye, a broken nose and a busted lip.
His instructor, shocked, asked him what happened.
"Well," explained Banta , "I took my old way home last night so I could beat these guys up who were stealing my money, but they beat me up before I could get my shoes and socks off!"
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